I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
