I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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