Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
