Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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