I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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