$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
