It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
