I'm so fucking centered right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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