she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
