i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
