You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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