So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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