dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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