im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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