wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
