my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
