So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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