so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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