Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
