Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
