I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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