it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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