I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
