My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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