when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
