Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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