but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
