Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
