Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This toilet bowl is my home.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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