so explain again why im purple
no
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
