Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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