I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
