grandma shit on top of the toilet
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
