Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
