I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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