We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
