Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
