I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
