yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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