i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
