I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
