I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the day after is always just damage control
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
