life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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