My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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