everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she told me i tasted like america
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
