I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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