just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
