My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
