So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
