I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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