i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
