three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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