Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
